How Not Landing My Dream Job Turned My Life Around

In May of 2023 I was miserable.

I got a new manager (again), was passed up for both a promotion and a big conference talk (again), and had a nervous breakdown in front of my peers. Mind you, for the first time, but once was enough. All of this while arguing for a localization budget, dealing with the high-speed pace of a China-based IT company, and struggling to get some headcounts for my team as our business scope grew. The content design (or UX writing for our North American friends) had not caught on in my organization, and I couldn’t think of another new way to show its value to my manager. No matter what I did, it was never enough. I spent my days putting on a brave face for my team and clients, or sitting by myself in a meeting cubicle, wondering why management didn’t appreciate me. Asking myself, “Why am I such a loser?”

“Exhausting” does not describe that feeling, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.

The solution to my problems seemed straightforward and obvious.

I needed to quit. 

I would have to find another job, perhaps on a smaller team with a more limited scope. Maybe somewhere in Europe, the world’s capital of work-life balance. Find a manager who values me. 

Find my dream job.

So I started to look.

The dream job

I had my eyes on a role in Europe, a UX Writing Lead for a team of 4, with great flexibility, and some work-life balance. I put together a portfolio for the first time in years. I was suddenly excited about having something in my life that I had full control over. I pulled out the projects that both me and my manager were happy about. I passed two interviews with great feedback from HR. I was killing it.

Until I wasn’t.

The third interview was the last one. I opened my rejection letter and cried all night. The friendly HR vanished and never answered my questions. I chased down my interviewers on LinkedIn, most of them ignored me. One of them was kind enough to reply that the projects I shared put more emphasis on scalable content production, while they were looking for someone who can get a team to polish every string.

The a-ha moment

My quest for my dream job was over. I wasn’t good enough after all.

Or was I?

If I could imagine, just for a second, that interviewers were just people who can make mistakes, then their opinion is not that important after all. How can I put my self-worth, my peace of mind, in the hands of those I don’t know and who don’t know me? Maybe my value and self-worth were not defined by what any manager, or any interviewer thought of me.

Maybe I could try, just for once, to let it go.

I could try to live in a world where I only trust myself and people I love.

Otherwise, I could go back to my meeting cubicle and wonder how I got to be such a failure.

After thinking about it, I didn’t really have a choice.

The surprising outcome

If my manager’s opinion about me didn’t really matter, then I wouldn't have to live in fear of what they think of me. I could do anything I considered right, anything I was always afraid of doing. It was oddly liberating. And this is where things went really wild.

I pitched a big project to the tech team, and they somehow bought in.

I came up with a new way to measure content quality, and it changed the way my organization operated.

I looked away from my manager’s desk and finally saw people who always believed in me.

I gathered the courage to reach out to a person I had always admired, and we became close friends and collaborators.

When my manager asked me to fire a person because they “were not a native speaker of English”, I suggested they fire me as well, as the same logic would apply. They went silent and never brought it up again.

Aware of the limitations posed by my organization that valued speed and scalability, I started a pet project where I had full control over research, design, and content.

Inspired by friends old and new, I started to keep track of my reading notes and resources, and went back to journaling after a long break. The ability to quickly find the right link or the right idea helped me numerous times, at work and beyond. 

Epilogue

It’s now May of 2024, and I haven’t felt better in years. I’m still arguing for a localization budget. But now my team is bigger, and I earned that promotion, and got my invitation to speak at a conference. I now have a published article, I’ve been featured on several podcasts (Content Strategy Insights, Writers of Silicon Valley, Localization Leaders), joined UX Evenings @ Google and helped to build a content community here in China. Most importantly, I changed my perspective.

Instead of trying to find new ways to impress my manager, I started to think, how can I create things that have value for me, my clients and the people around me.

Instead of “networking”, I started to connect with like-minded people. Not to use them, but to understand them.

Instead of seeking approval from superiors, I started to create my own values and live by them.

It hasn’t been easy, but it feels right. “Alive” does not describe this feeling, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.